Remembrance Of Kids' Christmases Past
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday November 29, 1997
There's a theory that Christmas is only special if you've got a bunch of kids hanging around,
waking up pre-dawn to check for Santa's footprints (talcum powder and a gumboot will do the trick), evidence of a reindeer eating frenzy (an antler hole in the lounge can be a very convincing addition for the older, more sceptical tykes), and lurid boxes under the tree.
All this is true. The chief reason, though, for having small-fry around is that the gifts you give them not only make their little faces light up (insert your own cute cliches here), but also can perpetuate your own childhood. And that's got to be a good thing.
But before we get to the gifts that are just as entertaining for the adult as the child, there are some basic steps for maximum kiddie enjoyment:
1. Wrapping paper. Children are brilliant, because they judge a book by its cover. So, a completely dodgy present stuck in a cool little box with gee-whiz paper can be a hit.
2. For quite young kids, quantity is important. Therefore, if you are strapped for cash, a trip to your local $2 shop to stock up on baubles, trinkets, whistles and cowrie shells is a bonanza. Wrap them individually and the kids will think you've gone to a lot of trouble and you'll be able to raise your flag and claim ownership of their affection quick-smart. As a rough rule of thumb, 15 individually wrapped, pathetically cheap gifts equal, say, one unwrapped pony.
Naturally, these rules don't apply when you are buying gifts which you want to play with yourself. There are plenty of those about. (And I'm not talking about perennials like the Whoopee Cushion ... though, by gee, that can still be very funny late in the dinner party.)
The modern world has thrown up computer games and Sony PlayStations, which should guarantee joy on Christmas Day followed by intense battles for the control panel thereafter. The games featuring motor racing are particularly popular across the ages. Even the Nigel Mansell Motor Racing on the Game Boy is terrific fun for oldsters. The Mario range of games, though, is best left to the young folks. I can't get past Level Two on that thing.
If you've moved into the doll stage of life (for boys or girls ... come on, it's almost the 2000s), try to find one that does something stupid to entertain your friends once the kids have gone to bed. There's a cute one out at the moment that simply stands on its head. Fun for all the family.
Others, such as the Woody or Buzz Lightyear from the film Toy Story, are still winners despite their veteran status. Pull a string in Woody's back and he'll tell you "There's a snake in mah boots" and other pearls of wisdom. For true hip status, though, search for a similarly styled Pee Wee Herman doll. Very groovy.
Books and sporting equipment are always good investments, but don't be too downcast if you get only an average reaction from giving your nephew his first full-blown novel. Team the novel with a pair of socks if you want to really upset him.
Finally, think very carefully about anything that involves amplification. It's terrific to see the kids doing a show for the rest of the family, singing into their cheap but very loud microphone, which manages to take all the warmth out of the human voice and convert it into the sound of the sports master who used to hassle you through the megaphone at the swimming carnival. It's terrific to see that show ... once.
But, like Christmas, you know it's going to come around again, and again, and again ...
© 1997 Sydney Morning Herald